Porcelain Dollhouse

Another failed attempt in the game of love!

I don’t like being on my own very much, and I certainly don’t like feeling lonely.

However, in the past couple of weeks I have come to realize that if I am to grow and prosper, I need my moments of solitude to rest, reflect, meditate and find peace within myself. I began reflecting on all the times I have found myself alone for long periods of time, and how I wish I would have tried harder to look at those moments as a gift of ‘extended solitude’ rather than ‘enforced loneliness’.

The bullshit I am dealing with right now supercedes all the bullshit I have encountered in the past, but this time I am giving myself some time for introspection in hopes that it may help me put things into perspective so my ‘problems’ won’t overwhelm you.

So stay tuned for updates if I decide to post any =)

The weakest part of me is my self-image. For I am a child who grew up dealing with sexual abuse. I have come to acknowledge that a part of me has been incurably wounded. Countless attempts of therapy have failed and I have grown weary of the failures and wish to heal on my own.

The worst thing about sexual abuse is that no matter how severe the physical pain, the mental torment is far worse. While the physical pain sees closure, the inner pain and distress haunts and eats away at your very soul.

My second worst flaw is that I have a compelling need to apportion blame. 9 times out of 10 I put the blame on me. I have recently discovered that the extent of my healing teeters upon where I place that blame.

Thus far in life I have always placed the blame and shame of my sexual abuse upon myself. I have felt nothing but guilt and worthlessness. In one way or another I have been brainwashed to think of myself as “trash” and as a partner in the wicked deeds of man. Because of this I have grown into an adult that lacks the maturity and intellectual ability to realize when certain situations are wrong. For most of my life I have kept most of my emotions dangerously bottled up.

But I have grown accustomed to self-blame. It has become a guilt-ridden cycle of self-loathing that has become almost impossible for me to break out of. I have come to view myself as unforgivable. The motivation of keeping myself pure has vanished into a red sea of hopelessness. As has my faith. I have spent countless years blaming YHVH and my mother for what happened to me. I realize I have wasted so much time resenting and avoiding YHVH, yet ironically if YHVH truly is a caring, supernatural God, then he, like no therapist in the world, would understand and feel my pain and bring upon my healing.

All my life I have felt more morally debased than any other. My self-image has been grossly distorted. I’ve wrestled with the issue of blame, and nothing I’ve tried has brought me peace. I need a new approach. I need a revelation of how real and powerful Jesus is and how his undeserved abuse can bring me supernatural healing. Of course, YHVH is not human, and yet having had my trust violated by a human has made it hard for me to love and trust anyone– even YHVH. Cold logic might say there is no reason to fear that YHVH might act like a sinful, fallible human, but what I’ve suffered seems so overwhelming that it clouds my perception of everything. Living, as I do, in a world crammed with people who pretend to love, just to get their selfish way – or even well-meaning people who unintentionally end up hurting others – it is hard to believe that YHVH is so different. If, however, he is morally perfect, and filled with genuine love untainted by the slightest trace of human selfishness, then he truly is trustworthy. If YHVH has infinite knowledge and wisdom, he must understand me even better than I understand myself. And if he really is love – not lust – then he will be patient and understanding as I try to reach out to him. To be healed and freed from the oppressive burden of blame, I need to stop blaming myself and/or blaming others and/or blaming YHVH. But this seems beyond me. I need divine help. And blame must go somewhere. Grave offenses have occurred. Justice must be done. If YHVH is truly good and a God of justice, then satisfying the need for justice must be an even bigger issue with him than with me – and it is huge with me. At the same time, being both faultlessly good and loving, he must want offenders to change and long to forgive them. Meeting all these requirements is simply too much for any human. I need YHVH’s help to trust him to do it – and do it well. I need to hand all blame over to Jesus, not because he deserves blame but because if he somehow died for the sins of the entire world, he must want to take this burden from me.

All my life I have searched for the perfect man to be “in-love” with. Just recently I discovered that being in-love is merely an illusion. I do not mean this in a bad way by any means. Statistically, however, studies show that people who claim to be “in-love” posses a great passion. This passion is the same force that drives them apart!

True happiness is not attained by being “in-love”.

A friend asked me the following question “Wouldn’t you rather be spiritually rich and have a happy life?”

It got me thinking of all my past mistakes with men, of friendships, of how I rushed into relationships that ultimately failed for several factors. I realized that the factor on my end causing the failures was that I was holding out for that “in-love” feeling. By chasing that higher high I failed to see the beauty in each and everyone of those relationships. In return this thought got me psychoanalyzing the most important relationship I have ever held with a man.

The one person that I truly loved and felt that “in-love” feeling with has many emotional issues. He himself is aware of his problems. I obviously could not provide something that he has been longing for no matter how much history and happiness we shared. He wants what he wants, and I cannot change that. But I truly feel that he threw away an amazing chance at true happiness in his pursuit to fill a void deep within him. A void that could easily have been balanced with a solid friendship of 7 years versus that of his current situation.

I can’t help but to wonder why He would sacrifice friendship, trust, happiness, and the comfort of being himself in a secure environment, for one filled with distrust, insecurities, doubt, and jealousy. For DRAMA to say the very least.  I cannot remember of one single instance where He and I fought and yet we are not together?  Round and round in a circle we went. There were numerous occasions where I completely vanished from his life and tried to allow our friendship to die out; and out of nowhere He reappeared and wanted to start over…part of me wanted to believe it was because we were destined for one another. But I think the circle we both followed was merely to get a sense of stability. Once reunited we would last long enough to recuperate our emotions and train of thought, then off we ran to someone else trading in one set of problems for another.

After so much failure in love with others, I believed He and I could have attained that “in-love” feeling many long for; formed a loving home, but somewhere down the line I became insignificant to his life and now all I can do is wish him the best of luck and pray that his days be filled with happiness. Along with this wish I am letting go entirely of the friendship we shared because I realize that it has no place in his life with his current partner. Is it really fair, FUCK NO!!! but it was a mutual decision we both made and in the end maybe through all the bullshit He has endured with his new partner true happiness will be achieved and He will form the family He is destined to raise.

 As for me…I have started a new journey. A relationship filled with much knowledge and honesty that there is no possible way it can fail. Weather it will spawn marriage or just an endless bond of TRUE friendship…is all in God’s hands. I strongly believe and feel within me, that this person will forever hold a place in my heart like that of no other.

I met an amazing individual and in his honor I decided to write this

If I am ever abducted by Merceneries I think I will do just fine lol.

For a split second the world stood still.
All was quiet…
My heart stopped as the mercenaries invaded my home and took me hostage…

OH SHIT…time to whip out the good ol’ survival skills bitches

LOC: Middle of fucken nowhere, Desert Terrain
Time: Daylight
Climate: Suitable, Summer time
Dress: appropriate considering the circumstances

First things FIRST…gotta asess the situation S>T>O>P
STOP
THINK
OBSERVE
PLAN

I wipe the blood running down my face and catch my breath.
I clear my head and bring everything into focus.
Gotta move fast.

In means of survival luck is not ur friend…it’s all about skill baby!!!
Luckily, I am well prepared

Good training, proper clothing and adequate equipment
make this mishap an unexpected camping trip.

INVENTORY: got the minimal basic equipment a quality folding knife, and waterproof matches.
For those of u that need waterproof matches soak them in some nailpolish remover and let them dry

First priority: treat my injuries as best I can.
There will be no ambulance arriving in minutes and the hospital isn’t around the corner.
Stop any bleeding, immobilize any broken bones, treat shock and generally stabilize things.
The basis of this is so I can proceed to deal with the situation at hand.
Word of advice “Do the best you can with what u got, suckah.”

Second Priority: Seek Shelter
AAA can’t help me in the middle of nowhere so I gotta book it bitches.
My goal is to find a dry somewhat convenient location away from natural hazards.
A mere place to retreat from the weather.

Because of the shitty circumstances I’m forced to construct a lean-to as my means of shelter.
A lean-to can be constructed against a fallen tree using deadwood and layered boughs, and a tarp
Too bad I”m fortunate enough to have a tarp handy…but hey I happen to have a plastic trash bag handy

Mother fucken hooah…improvised tarp!!!
In the desert, shade is vital. So anything minimizing the suns rays is a blessing.
Take advantage.

Now ur probably thinking its time to eat!!!
WRONG. Most people consider Food very important, even though it is not.
Obtaining water is up next. Water is vital for survival.
With no tap to turn on, I will have to find water where I can.

sorry to say that in the desert I might be shit out of luck. Depending on the time of year cactus really are not that reliable.
I will attempt to collect water by Using clear plastic as a “transpiration” from nearby bushes.
Wrapping the clear plastic around green foliage and tying it tight traps the moisture given up naturally
by transpiration and increases output because of the trapped solar heat.

Now that I have water in my systems I can eat. The body needs water in order to metabolize and digest food.
Plants offer the most common and ready wild food source. Some basic rules to stay safe:
Avoid all plants with white sap, tiny hairs, umbrella shaped flowers and white or green berries.
Red berries are less risky, but eat only if you recognize them as safe.
Black or blue berries are generally safe. Aggregate berries, like raspberries, are always edible.
Single fruits on a stem are generally safe.
Avoid mushrooms and fungi, plants with bulb roots and fruits from plants with shiny leaves.

Lastly: I won’t GIVE-UP!!!
A positive mental attitude is my most important survival resource.
The will to live burns bright in most people. So I must never give up hope!

I believe if you detach yourself, from your self, then and only then
will you truly find your inner-self.

Lady Necromancer’s past:

Always on the outside looking in.
Haunted by this inner feeling of lonliness–
Never quite the type to fit in.

A childhood of Independence
Left with a hole incapable of being filled.
A longing…

I never desired the independence, yet it was given to me.
How I longed to feel the warmth and embrace of love.

Instead, I was wrapped up with the disgusting, vile, and demented fantasies of a mad man.
Used for his pleasure
Trapped and forced into easing his malicious ill-will

And now a part of me feels inadequate.
As if I will never be able to trust man.
Any man.

Dooming me to a life of gloom and solitude.
Destined only to kill-lonliness
With age, my chance at a fairy-tale ending dwindles.

Beauty fades!
Solitude grows!
And I become emotionally blocked, distant, and detached.

I have been told that fairy tales do not exist.
But my heart cannot let go of the desire to keep dreaming.

Dare to dream with me…to break the chains of solitude.

You cry out to the world and make yourself an innocent victim
But in reality ur A leach that feeds upon envy and jealousy
A black parasite
Determined to darken everyone elses’s soul

It seems like you cannot see the reality of your own demise
You play childish games in an effort to tarnish something so beautiful
But in the end your games were thrown in your face

Not the reaction you were hoping for

Karma has a way of throwing more spark to the fire
And you have no idea how much it pleases me

I thrive on the pain you now feel
For your wicked game to hurt and tarnish a beautiful relationship failed.

In the end I am the winner, my happinness was not by his side.
No my dear, my happiness was through your disappearance.

A childish leach like yourself has no place by the man that will forever be in my heart.
He deserves the very best.
And a parasite like yourself, that feeds off of the damage you implicate on others has no place in his world.

So suffer now, the more you recieve the more you deserve.
Burn yourself!!!
and know that I am laughing.

That is my VENGEANCE!
That is my KARMA!

You’ll never understand how much I hurt
or how much I miss the man you pretended to be

You’ll never understand what you meant to me
or how much I miss what we had.

You’ll never understand how much I think of you
or how much I miss the way you use to listen.

You’ll never understand me or my emotions or how you made me push you away.

but this isn’t about me, NO!  It’s about you…so the story continues…keep up, follow through

The deception, the lies, the acting, the games.
You played me for a fool, and in the end u turned it all on me,
Bravo little boy…I’ll admit that part of me fell in love with ur facade.

But the game of love requires two
So you alone are not to blame.

For the old saying states you reap what you sew…
And I, my love, let my own guard down.

I so desperately wanted to fill a void deep within me
that I avoided all the signs of just how psychotic ur real intentions could be.

Then came the funny feeling and I got real edgy.
In return; your cover was blown and you got enraged and angry.

And while u lashed out and spit how I was quickly forgotten while you ran to another
I know deep inside u were hurting just as I was.

But ur pain and ur actions are deeper than mine.
Ur emotions are fuct up, psychological problems that you drink away in hopes to subside.

ur life is empty

a game

a facade

and u use people darling
ur fuct up my love, deep down to the core.

that’s why ur alone. unhappy and in the state that ur in.

it’s none other than karma my dear.
Teaching you a lessen for taking advantage of such a good friend.

It’s Midnight’s glass. My heart beats faintly as if it were almost not beating at all. The depression sinks in and this time it hits hard. Accompanied by Loneliness, Loss, and Pain…my fucking ignorance got the very best of me. I told myself I would be weary this time around in the game of love and the second I felt uneasy…I’d make my escape, but damn it all to hell! I was too fucken late!! Now these wretched tears fall like incessant raindrops relentlessly on my pillow with the purple hue of mascara encircling my face. Damn my clouded consciousness for realizing far too late of the mistake I placed myself in. Now the loneliness lurks about in the cold of the deep black abyss I call night. My weary body lays restless as I drink away every ounce in my glass of doubt. Bittersweet is the taste. Damn myself for being such a fool. For pretending not to see the reasons why this relationship was never meant to be. Damn it all to hell, the battle I commenced all in the name of resistance and the belief that I had finally found the one. It was ludicrous for me to think that in my situation love was even possible. My consequences now haunt me. So my conclusion is that I have no purpose in that segment of life. That part of me will forever be empty and dull. It is time I quit instead of pretending, trying, as if it’s worth a damn. Life for this dim girl is about being alone…and so my solitude commences.

Heaven Tonight lyrics by HIM

That’s right
(I’m in love with you)
That’s right
(I’m in love with you)
That’s right
(I’m in love with you)
That’s right
(I’m in love with you)

(I’m in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(I’m in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight

Trying to find the heart you hide
Trying to find the heart you hide in vain
Oh in vain
And you’re my haven in life
And you’re my haven in death, Baby
Life and Death my Darling

(I’m in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(I’m in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(I’m in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(I’m in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(I’m in love with you)

[Repeat]

I hold your hand in mine
I hold your hand and you’re so lonely
Oh so lonely
Your eyes have lost their light
Your eyes have lost their light and you’re empty
Oh my God you’re so empty

Seven years

A bond that never should have been broken

Its ties of love were not of LusT, but rather of an understanding

Weaved out of the strongest fibers two mortals could share

Broken by that which stains the very moral of one’s existence.

Beaten into submission and broken like a fragile strand of silk.

I no longer cry mercy over that which has been destroyed.

Rather I feel a bitter taste in my mouth by an imposed injustice

Brought upon by That which offends.

Brought upon by the pestilent drama conjured by a mortals inability to understand that which they cannot comprehend.

It was a bond any and all would envy.

A bond that reaches the very core of our being.

But sadly, now this bond has been caste to the deepest depths of HELL.

Where it slowly dwindles eventually lying dormant for all eternity.